Agony Bob advises

Agony Bob

Dear Agony Bob,

My work colleague and I decided a few years back that we would put his career first. I agreed to support him in any way I could. It wasn’t an easy decision because I’ve always been very ambitious.

Over the last few years, he hasn’t really advanced much in his career. There was a moment there a little while back when he might’ve gotten a promotion, but his chances always looked pretty remote. He got resoundingly passed up by the selection committee.

Since then I’ve been waiting for him to realise that he just doesn’t have the skills for the job. TBH, I always thought I had more chance of being successful in my career than he did and now I want us to swap roles so that I can go for the top job. But he doesn’t seem to be getting the message.

“I even learnt to play records on two gramophones simultaneously”

Worse, he’s started making racist remarks at work. He only hangs out with other white people in the hope that the selection committee will like him better for it. I’m worried that he’s embarrassing us both.

I’ve been doing everything I can in the meantime to show the selection committee what a cool guy I am. I even learnt to play records on two gramophones simultaneously, which is apparently a skill that really excites the younger selection committee members.

What should I do? How can I give him the idea that he should take a step back and let me have my time in the sun?

Always a bridesmaid

Dear Always-a-bridesmaid,

Your partner has tasted power and he’s buggered if he’s going to give it up without a fight. You say the selection committee passed him over, but are you sure you would have fared any better? Perhaps it’s your whole family that’s on the nose.

While your gramophone exploits sound like crowd-pleasers, at least among the geriatric Ibiza set, it might be time to stop relying on the advice of your Aunt Sally whose condescending lies mean she’s now on the nose with nine out of every 10 people she’s met.

Speaking of which, have you listened to your company’s views on foreign workers lately? You may find your colleague’s onto something with his sycophantic tactics.

Finally, there’s a small matter of a former colleague of yours who got fired and insisted on changing the redundancy laws as a condition of his return when you begged him to come back.

Those laws are pretty tight. Good luck getting your colleague to budge an inch. Not even Aunt Sally could have dreamt up a more business unfriendly set of workplace laws.